Afterthoughts - Choices
by Goddess Isa
Summary: Emotions.  Feelings.  Stuff.


TITLE: Afterthoughts - Choices  
AUTHOR: Goddess Isa   
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com  
SUMMARY: Emotions. Feelings. Stuff.  
SPOILER: Choices  
DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =)  
FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P  
RATING: TV-14   
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters, Joss Whedon does. If he ever decides to give them to me, that would be nice. =) :  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I've never done an 'Afterthoughts' fic that wasn't in the third person before. However, I have inspiration for this one thanks to the facial expressions made by Aly, Seth, Nick and David in this episode. The POVs shouldn't be too hard to figure out and they switch with each little ***** thingy.   
  
  
  
I'm so happy that she's all right. Better than all right, in face. She's perky. My perky Willow.   
  
I feel bad about breaking Amy's lucky cauldron though. I never would've done it if I had known it was hers.   
  
Okay, so I would've, but I would've felt bad right away. Willow says not to worry though. The next cauldron that allows Amy to pass her classes without doing any homework will be deemed "lucky".   
  
She's sooooo hyper tonight, my Willow. I haven't been told, but I know she and Buffy did the mocha after class. She's bouncing off the library walls. Although, as the night progresses, I'm beginning to think it's something in the water supply.   
  
Xander is moving his arm around like a sword and is speaking with an accent. I think he thinks he's Zorro or something. Or maybe it's Batman. In really bad German.   
  
Then there's Giles. He's happy-go-lucky, which I've never seen him. He didn't even ask us to look at the books! Maybe his mood is so good because Wesley went out to find Buffy. Uh-huh, 'cause that'll happen. Giles couldn't find her for three whole months. Wesley doesn't have a prayer.   
  
"Oz!" Willow skipped over to where I'm sitting. "Have you given any more thought to studying music?"   
  
I want so badly to tell her the truth. I want to look her deep in the eyes, swallow hard, grasp her hands in mine and tell her that I'm moving to Seattle.   
  
I know the whole pop music thing is big now, but the other bands, Korn, the Offspring, they keep fighting, you know? Keep putting stuff out there, keep getting on the charts. I wanna be one of those people.   
  
I want the Dingoes to be those people.   
  
When I think of my life in five years, I see myself on a stage in a huge venue somewhere with the Dingoes. And Willow is always sitting in the front row.   
  
But I know she sees herself wrapped up in a mass of classes and theories and all that intellectual stuff that I'm not interested in.   
  
I wanna tell her that we should go together, to Seattle. That there are great schools there and she could do whatever she wanted while I play my music.   
  
I wanna tell her that there's no substitute for what we have and that we belong together.   
  
I wanna tell her to come with me.   
  
Instead I push the idea out of my head and smile at her. "I'm thinkin' on it."   
  
  
*****   
  
  
It's the most beautiful gown I've ever laid eyes on. I can't believe I might not be able to have it. It's so, so perfect. The crystals were sewn on by *hand*. You know the really sad thing? A month ago, I would've been able to pop this baby on Daddy's credit card, no problem. Easy thing. Just say "Charge please," and move onto the next store. Those were the days.   
  
God, I was so freaked that something would give me away when Xander came in the other day. See why I never wear my name tag? Besides, they spelled Cordelia wrong. As if it's so hard.   
  
Let's see....I put all the new stock on the floor, swept, dusted the purse shelves, I'm done. I'll just try my dress on one more time and then I'll go home.   
  
Thank God I got to put it on layaway. Layaway. I made a snide comment about layaways to Willow once. A part of me wishes I'd never been so mean to her. I'm sort of walking in their shadows now. What went around is coming back to me. Damn prophecy.   
  
The dress screams Cordelia. Sometimes I wish Xander would scream Cordelia. My GOD did I just say that? Gotta pretend that one never happened. Okay, the dress is back on the rack, my boss'll never know.   
  
I'm heading for home now. It's a zoo anymore and I hate it. Everything is being sold and auctioned off to pay my father's debts. I locked my closet door with four different padlocks so that no one can get in and I could my things as best I can every night. Like hell are they gonna sell *my* things to pay *their* debts. You know, if my father had gotten his ass to work once in awhile and gotten out of the casinos, we wouldn't be in this mess.   
  
Of course, it's too late for ifs.   
  
Tomorrow I get my paycheck. The last one before prom. I'm putting it all on the layaway. Then it'll almost be half-way paid for.   
  
Prom is next week.   
  
How the hell am I going to afford the rest of it?   
  
Cross your fingers that I'll be able to rob some cash out of one of my parent's wallets. You know, it's really sad that I have to work my ass off to pay for a dress for my senior prom where I very well may be crowned Prom Queen, but my mother has plenty of cash to support her booze and crack supply.   
  
  
*****   
  
  
Dear Lord, forgive me, but I'm going to kill Buffy.   
  
She took Willow out for mochas earlier. Everyone's favorite redhead, after Lucy, of course, is wired as hell and now she's dancing while Oz plays. Have you ever *heard* Oz play? He doesn't do the kind of stuff you can dance to. But even if he did, I think Will is in her own little world. She's dancing to a different drummer, and--   
  
Oh. My. God. It's the Backstreet Boys. She is singing and dancing to the Backstreet Boys. Something about wanting it that way.   
  
I see Oz cringe and literally stop playing to watch her. She's in her own little Willow World.   
  
God, she's beautiful.   
  
No! No! Bad thoughts! BAD Xander thoughts.   
  
You know when Oz and I were looking at the little diagram Will made, I slipped. I did the thing where I'm vulnerable. I don't think he really noticed, but I felt my voice do the thing where I sound jealous and wistful. I AM jealous and wistful!   
  
Willow is everything I want in a wife - girlfriend! She's pretty, smart, silly, funny, she's just so...Willow.   
  
And she could've been *my* Willow.   
  
I blew it.   
  
Where was my head? Couldn't I see?   
  
"Willow," Giles said softly. The smile I'd seen on him earlier had long dissolved. "Are you so bored that you're reduced to singing...." he looked to Oz for an answer.   
  
"*NSYNC."   
  
"That's not *NSYNC." Will said. "This is *NSYNC." She smiled and started to dance around the room while singing at the top of her lungs.   
  
"Where was my head? Where was my heart? Now I cry, alone in the dark."   
  
I turned her out and felt an intense need to slam my head against the table. Could Willow have picked a worse song? Shoulda stuck with BSB. And with *NSYNC, there really are only two other choices. "Tearin' Up My Heart" and "I Want You Back".   
  
God, just shoot me now.   
  
Well, don't really. 'Cause you know, I haven't had actual *good* sex yet. Just Faith Sex, which doesn't really count. Or so I'm told.   
  
Willow finished her chorus and bounced over to Oz. She leaned on the desk and smiled. "Dance with me?"   
  
"No." he shook his head.   
  
She rolled her eyes and guess where she moved next? I'll give you a hint. It wasn't to Giles.   
  
"Hey Xander! Dance with me."   
  
I glanced at Oz. He seemed involved with his guitar and its strings. Or whatever guitarists do.   
  
"Pleeeese Xander?" she asked in a sing-song voice.   
  
"Sure." I get up and hop around with her for a song or two. Oz starts to play again and she smiled at me. It's a friendly smile, a new one she's adapted just for me since the whole incident with Spike. It's almost a reluctant smile. Or maybe a cautious smile. Not the kind I've been getting from her since we were six. No, those are long gone.   
I miss them.   
  
This smile belongs to a new Willow.   
  
Oz's Willow.   
  
I miss my Willow.   
  
  
*****   
  
  
I do wonder why people drink. Caffeine will do the same thing to your body. It makes you tired, heavy and disoriented.   
  
Or at least, that's what it does to me.   
  
My head is pounding. Oz called it a caffeine hangover when he called this morning. I call it miserable.   
  
I'm so bored in computer class. We never DO anything. Just type, point, click. At least Miss Calendar was interesting.   
  
Buffy was late again. Mr. Kellner didn't even note it in the roll book. He just glanced up when she opened the door to make sure she wasn't a gunman.   
  
She smiles at me as she sits in the seat next to me. After glancing up to make sure Mr. Kellner is busy, she leans over to me. "How's the hangover?"   
  
I made a face. Word travels fast on a Hellmouth. "I'm tired and I have a headache the size of Balthazaar, but I'll be fine."   
  
"Great. I've got to tell you about last night, it was so great. Angel and I--"   
  
  
*****   
  
  
"Buffy and I spent the night at the cemetery. It was the sweetest thing. She's so happy just to lay there with me and talk." I paced around my coffee table. "Can I get you anything?"   
  
Giles shook his head. "No, the tea is fine, thank you."   
  
"The date isn't even why I wanted to see you. You heard everything that bastard said to me. About Buffy and I."   
  
"Yes, that was rather disturbing. I thought you showed an enormous about of tact. If Wilkins had talked to me that way--"   
  
"You would've done exactly what I did."   
  
"Yes, I would've." Giles agreed. "Even so. Buffy is....lucky to have you looking out for her."   
  
"You don't need to pretend to like me."   
  
Giles took a deep breath. "I don't hate you Angel."   
  
"You don't have to like me. I don't blame you for how you feel. I wake up every night thinking the previous day was just a dream and that everyone still hates me."   
  
"Everyone, well, most everyone," they exchanged a smile, knowing he was referring to Xander. "Everyone has been thankful. You've been a great help to us many times."   
  
"I need to ask you something. Something serious. I need you to answer me as a friend and not as Buffy's Watcher."   
  
Giles cleared his throat. "All right."   
  
"I've gotta know. This whole thing with Buffy and the Mayor.....I love Buffy, You know I love her more than anything."   
  
"Of course."   
  
I felt Giles' eyes burn into my skin as he looked at me. "Is she better off without me?"   
  
He set his tea down and stared uncertainly at me, although he did not speak.   
  
"Everything that rat bastard said is eating me alive."   
  
"Angel, the Mayor--"   
  
"Is he right? Is Buffy better off without me? Because all I can think about, all I see in my head, is Buffy dying in my arms and me not being able to stop it."   
  
Giles' face told me he was thinking that my thoughts were completely morbid, though he didn't say that. "Buffy relies on you for everything. Times when she should come to me or God help us all, to Wesley, she goes to you. And that's fine because you watch out for her, but what's going to happen when she goes off to college next fall? She's going to be changing, and her life will be different from what it is now."   
  
"You're not answering my question Giles."   
  
He sighed. "Yes, Angel, it's better if you leave now rather than later. The longer you two are together, the more it's going to hurt her."   
  
"You're saying that as though if I leave now, it won't hurt."   
  
"It always hurts. Life is full of pain."   
  
I looked at him and sighed. I knew he was right.  



End file.
